I figured it out. To not have a minivan is to be celibate.
You have your beliefs, you are fulfilled in many other ways. Your SUV has horsepower, a DVD player (with wireless headphones even), a Bose sound system, a removable middle seat in the second row to create captains chairs and access to the third row (which, btw, folds down flat), your back gate is automatic and you have runners. A fine piece of vehicle. Sure, your kids open the doors into other cars once and awhile (and sometimes while the neighbor car still has a person in it, but whatevs). Sometimes you may need to use the off road handle to propel yourself into the front seat whilst making sure your boots don’t slip on the runners causing your knee to bang against the car in sheer utter pain. And when you try to lift the infant carseat into the base, while the other kids are climbing over your head to get to the aisle for the third row, your back spasms causing a moment where you literally can’t move a muscle. But you believe what you believe and no amount of peer pressure can get you to cave.
It’s about making a commitment to yourself, to your loved ones, to your peers. Celibacy is a pact with yourself to never waiver, never give in to temptation, never take the easy path. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve been celibate. You are proud of yourself and your will power. And you should be. There are so many choices for vehicles, so many options to take you and your family from location A to location B effectively. In this day in age, it’s cool to be celibate – it’s the era of the crossover and the 3rd row option. You remind yourself, you can’t go back once you give in, so don’t give in.
Honestly, you can’t desire what you don’t know, what you haven’t experienced. So in a way, it’s really not too hard to be celibate. Except when a few of your friends give subtle hints on last night’s escapade to the strip…mall with a group of wild, crazy, half-naked…toddlers. But deep down, you know that these “friends” have given up and given in to the ease of a minivan and it’s a shame to you who is celibate and can stand their ground. You realize that maybe you don’t have as much in common as you once did. They talk flippantly and laugh about being able to push the right buttons and have easy access.
And you know what, when you’re celibate, there’s this sense of desirability that those of us who have given in don’t have anymore. There’s a chance you can still get checked out by that Christian Bale look alike that (I’m convinced) is out driving around suburban streets. I know I’m used goods to the drivers I share the road with.
I’m not going to ever sit and tell you to defy your beliefs. I respect people’s life decisions. You gotta do what you gotta do for you and your family. And I refuse to be the person who tells you to try “just the tip…just to see how it feels.” I won’t tempt you or disrespect you in that way.
Just look away from the graphic revealing of my interior when my automatic doors slide open, the size of my 12 inch…step into my seat using no hands, the explicit nature of my captain seats for easy access to any position (whether it be standing or sitting). And I won’t mention the amount of junk I can fit in my trunk. You probably aren’t a “butt” person anyway.
Basically, I won’t rub you the wrong way (or in any way) with the constant orgasm that is my minivan.
*WARNING: These photographs contain graphic content