I like being a chick. Then again, I don’t know what it’s like to be a dude. But regardless, I think men have figured out some pretty neat tricks to getting by in life and I see no reason why women can’t also take advantage of these little secrets. So I vow (when age appropriate for each item) to teach my daughter how to take advantage of these little secrets.

1. Make #2 work for you. Any bathroom excursion entailing #2 must last at the minimum 15 minutes (regardless of actual extraction time). Men caught on to this years ago. I’m not sure why women haven’t; and instead why we take pride in how fast we can take a shit (personally I can do it faster than peeing sometimes).

2. Stand up for yourself. Well, we can’t really pee standing up. But a nice alternative is to learn how to squat. When my mom was going abroad, I bought her some disposable pee funnels so she could pish standing up if ever in a precarious situation. Click here and here for some visuals if you dare.

3. The Man Side Pick. Men have this amazing way of picking their noses so it can be done in public. I call it the “side pick.” It’s where you take your thumb and pointer finger and slightly graze the inside of the nostril with your thumb nail toward the pointer finger. It’s genius.

4. Quote the movie. Caddy Shack. Anchorman. Holy Grail. Top Secret. Just to name a few. This list could go on and on. Know these movies, quote these movies, love these movies. So when you are walking into a party and people are introducing themselves/shaking hands and you bust out with, “Doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor…” (click) you have instant self entertainment.

5. Men’s deodorant. That is all about that one.

What are some of your favorite male secrets to life. I’m always looking for more to instill upon 1.0.

I generally try not to make light of serious situations…

Well, that was a lie. That’s exactly what I do. But in my defense, I try to do it with no angle and to purely see the silly in some things.

I don’t want to touch upon the issue of abortion in general. It’s such a personal issue and as I’ve mentioned, it’s a hot button topic that has been hashed out amongst many for years. But I do want to point something out for you.

Check out this article: Israel to fund abortions.

Now, check out how ridiculous the picture is that is accompanying this article. A bunch of young girls (in similar shades of blue), smiling, laughing, hanging out…for an abortion article. And please note, the token boy in the background. Just plain weird and silly.

At 34 weeks, do not ask me to bend over. If a piece of food falls out of my mouth and bounces off my bump to ultimately end up on the floor, it just is what it is.

“Smooth to the groove like sandwich bread.”

“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble…so you don’t confuse them with mountains.”

“I put my hand up on your hip…when I dip, you dip, we dip.” Obvi we dip.

These are some of my favorite lines from songs. Do you know the songs? Tell me some of yours. It’s a delightful game that is sure to put a smile on your face if you are in a pissy mood.

A new acquaintance invited our family over for dinner last night and I asked TH what I should bring. He said: Bake and bring your chocolate/white chocolate cookies…I want to show off your skill. (not a typo)

Don’t fuck with a 3rd Trimester woman and her bedtime pillow arrangement.

And to the Relax the Back store that didn’t call me back to tell me the $250 wedge system was in:

Big mistake…huge…I have to go to bed now.