Ok, I have 5 minutes to take a shower! All 3 kids are home, 3.0 is in her crib sleeping, 1.0 and 2.0 are watching a show and TH is out on a run. Here we go!

Ok kids, I’m going upstairs to take a shower.

Ok, Mommy.

Remember, no one do anything to anyone or say anything to each other. If there is a problem, don’t yell up to me. I won’t be able to hear you but 3.0 will and you will wake her up. If she wakes up, don’t worry about it, you don’t need to yell up to me to tell me because again, I won’t be able to hear you. You don’t need to come up either because I’ve become accustomed to 3 minute showers and will be out and done before you even know she’s awake.

Now, the dog is outside, so let him in when he’s ready. However, what do we do if someone knocks on the front door? We DO NOT answer it or let them in, only the dog. But you don’t even need to let the dog in now that I think about it because he may bark and wake 3.0 up. So, what do we do if someone knocks? Right, come upstairs to tell me, do not let them in and DO NOT yell up to me. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU.

Now, don’t touch or talk to each other. Do not scream at each other. If one of you makes the other mad, immediately come upstairs to tell me and we can deal with it that way. Or deal with it yourselves without yelling about it.

If you get hungry, you can have a snack that you can reach. Here are cups in case you get thirsty. Only get water, don’t get anything from the fridge. If you spill the water, it’s fine, here are paper towels. It’s just water so you don’t need to yell up to me to tell me.

Keep the TV on this show. If anyone wants a different show, discuss amongst yourselves or wait until I am done to discuss it. Actually, here, let me just put in this movie and then there will be no discussion about any of it. Hold on, I’m trying to get to the menu to skip the ads for all the other movies you are going to want me to buy if you know they exist. Ok, movie is playing.

Again, remember I’m just upstairs. If you need me, come upstairs and get me. Here’s the phone, you know how to dial 911 in an emergency. But if it’s an emergency where one of you can come get me then do. Watch this clock. If I’m not done when the clock says this, come check on me in the event I was lost in the bliss of actually being able to shave my armpits that I lost track of the fact that I am still your mom and need to get out of the shower. But if you are sitting and watching a show quietly, there should be no emergencies and I should actually be able to shave both legs as well…a girl can dream.

Ok, do you remember all that? Yes? Well good, you’ll need to remember it for next time because I don’t have time to take a shower now.